Pics I challenged myself to!

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For some reason I can’t post the pics on my blog, so they will come separate. Our new puppies, my temp. office for 160 hours, the snow, our yard, more puppies, the kids, & some everyday pics. Life has been crazy & hectic since I went back to work. Being my first job in 9 years, I love going to work 3 days a week! It’s not so easy getting everyone ready & out the door, but once I walk into the building, all that stress melts away. I get to be Heather for 7 hours a day without hearing Mom or having to clean up someone’s mess. It’s nice to be needed by adults for a change. The puppies, well 1 is doing well, the other is stubborn. I know they’re only 7 weeks, but it’s exhausting. It’s like having twins. I didn’t sign up for this. Hubby brought them home. Why do I get stuck caring for them? That is my life. Always the Mom! lol I’m thankful for my kids, but the puppies…well, hopefully it’s better soon.

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Bella & Ava- our new lab pups at 6 weeks old.

The Mall Visit

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ImageI took my DD15 & DD7 to the mall today to spend their gift cards they got for Christmas. We spent the day in Hollister, Wet seal, Justice, & the Food Court. Nearing the end of the day I told the girls we were going to stop in Dress barn (my new favorite store). I wanted to get some new dress pants for my first day of work tomorrow (this is my first day of work in 8+ years). I took 4 pairs to try on & they were all the same size. The same size I’ve been wearing for 6 months. Well, they were too big! way too big! I was so excited I swear I did the jig in the dressing room! haha DD7 was not impressed. So, I walked out of there feeling absolutely empowered. I was empty handed, but still felt great! I will get something for myself this weekend. I was afraid to try on the smaller size & they be too snug. So for tomorrow & the day after I am going to enjoy the fact that I am finally taking control of something in my life.

Welcome 2012

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I can’t believe that 2012 is here already. It just seems like it came so quick.  Although 2011 was not a very good year for our family & friends, it did have some highlights. We welcomed a niece on my husband’s side & a nephew on mine. All 4 of my children were in school full time, which left me with my days at home to myself for the 1st time in 15 years. I turned 35 & decided to make time for myself. Ball seasons were successful for all of the kids. Dave found a job closer to home! We lost a few special people this past year as well. My Grandpa being the closest to me. It was heartbreaking, but I am thankful he didn’t suffer long. he was my rock. I was his favorite. I can smile now, knowing this is true. We also lost our beloved dachshund Ruby this year. That was heartbreaking for all of us.

Looking toward the future, I am going to try & be a better person. I want to show my children that no matter what God gives us, we have to make the best of it. I have been different since losing my Mom & Grandma & Grandpa in the past 3 years. There is no light in my eyes, no spring in my step, no shine around me. I’m dull, quiet, depressed, & sad. I need to be thankful for what I do have around me. I will start to be thankful as of today. I will stop & smell the roses more often.

I have to live in the present. I tend to wander to my past too often, wishing things were the way they were before… It’s not possible. I never thought losing them would take this much happiness out of my life. I depending on them being there way more than I realized. I try to keep the family together, but since losing my Mom, we’ve all become sad. She was the rock that kept us together. I try, but I am not her. I can be strong & say “This is the way it is. Be here or else!” for family dinners, but it doesn’t mean they have to listen to me. No one can take her place.

So, from here on out, I am giving myself 15 minutes of grieving daily, but no more than that. I have to go on. I want to be happy again.

I want to be organized again. I have let a lot of things slip in the past 3 years. I’m done. I want to be organized, I want to be structured, & I want to have my ish together.

You never know what life will throw at you, but my Grandma always said “God only gives you what you can handle.” He must know something I don’t, because I haven’t dealt with any of this well. Now it’s time to see what He sees in me.

I start a new job in 2 days (my 1st one in 8 years). I’m scared, excited, happy, worried, & looking forward to it. I hope I like it. I need to get out of the house for a few hours a day & this is the perfect opportunity for me to do that. So here’s to a new year with new opportunities, new friends, new ideas, new outlooks, & new thoughts. Happy thoughts always…

I look at my 7 year old & she seems to have it all together. She smiles, she laughs, she doesn’t worry about too many things. I want to be like her…

Where has this year gone?

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I can’t believe a new year is upon us. This year has gone by faster than normal. We’ve had our ups & downs. Weddings, funerals, births, parties, financial trouble, & everyday life. I am ready for a new year, a fresh start, a new beginning, some happy memories, & a better outlook in life. Why do we always wait until the new year for this? Is the beginning of a new year going to change that for us? Is it going to make all of our dreams come true? Will it provide us with a better year than last? I believe some of these things are beyond our control, but it’s up to us to make ourselves happy.  It’s that simple. So, here goes something…

1. I will make myself a better person this year

2. I will get to my goal weight.

3. I will smile more.

4. I will plan, organize, & budget our lives to make things easier.

5. I will enjoy my children more.

6. I will take time to smell the roses, even when there isn’t time.

7. I will take time for myself.

8. I will blog 365 days this year, even if it’s just 2 sentences.

9. I am going to start writing again. My Grandma wants to see a book in her lifetime. I need to get moving on it.

10. I am going back to college in 2012. YIKES!!!

11. I will surprise my husband this year with a weekend getaway as “Dave & Heather,” not “Mom & Dad.”

12. I will enjoy more moments than i did this year.

13. Pictures will be taken daily!!!

14. I will enjoy my life, no matter what problems arise.

Thankful

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For 35 years I have had my Grandpa with me for every milestone in my life. He walked me to school my first day of school & everyday after that until I went to High School, then he drove me until I got my license. We walked to Church every Sunday morning. He lived 3 houses down from us & was always there. If I needed a ride, Papa Hank was the person I called. He had nicknames for all of us growing up. I was the first born, so I was & always  have been the favorite to him. I have no trouble telling people this & neither does he. I gave him his 1st 4 great-grandchildren as well. My Papa loved to sit on his porch & talk to the people that walked past. He loved to take drives downtown just to tell us stories about his time on the Mounted. He was a Police Officer for 26 years in Detroit. He was retired before before I was born, so he had plenty of time to spend with me. He woke up every morning & off we went for fresh bread & donuts from the neighborhood bakery, then to MK Sales to get his lottery tickets for the 3 & 4 digit, Tom’s Hardware was next for whatever project he was working on, the Shell gas station for his daily fill up (that only cost 1.00 because he never used much gas), then to run errands for my Grandma or whichever family member needed something done. He loved to drive.  He was always at my games, no matter what the season or weather. When my parents decided to move 2 hours away, he was heartbroken. He stopped talking to my parents for a while, but every weekend he made the trip up north to watch my brother play weekend baseball tournaments, football games, & basketball tournaments. We spent summers up north at their cottage & he always took us for Icecream, then down to the docks to see the yachts. He was always involved. As I started having kids, the same was true. Grandparents Day,  my oldest being crowned for Princess of Homecoming when she was 6, all of my kids Baptisms & Communions…until this year.  He started getting sick last fall & stopped driving daily. He had to go on dialysis & it was helping, but he refused to give up his donuts. Then at Christmas I noticed the change. I knew he had cancer. I watched my Mom die from cancer for 2 years. I’ve seen the signs. I tried to tell my Grandma, but she wouldn’t listen. In April we found out that he had lung cancer. It was too far gone to do anything & with his age, there wasn’t anything they could do for him. I cried. & I cried. & I cried. I had already lost my Mom to cancer & my Dad’s Mom to dimentia. I couldn’t handle losing 1 more of the 5 most important people I’ve had since I was born. I swear they were all supposed to live forever! Then I seen my own childrens reactions to what I was going through. They had already lost my Mom. They were only 11,7,5,&3. Here was their Mom crying because she’d had 35 years with her Grandpa?  That’s when it hit me. My poor kids would never know what it was like to have someone so special that was always there. My Dad moved away after my Mom passed & hardly ever comes to visit;  she passed in away in our house & he can’t stand to be here. My children have no idea what it’s like to be mad at me & run 3 houses down & tell Grandma & Papa “they are moving in because mom & dad are mean!” My kids will never experiance those things, because there isn’t anyone to do it for them. Here I sit in tears for myself & my kids. I am losing my Papa, who has always meant the world to me & I am crying for my kids, because they’ve never experienced that.  He is fading, but his spunk is still there. He actually ate a White Castle slider that I took him on Monday. It was the first thing he’d had in 3 days. That made me smile. He knew who I was & all of my kids.  He still has his dry sense of humor. He is Frank from Everybody Loves Raymond & yes, my Grandma is Marie. I will always have a little piece of him when I watch that show.  & I can laugh. I know that’s what he would want. So I am preparing for him to pass away to  be with my Mom. He never got over losing my Mom at such a young age. I have been lucky to have him all these years & I am thankful for every memory I have. Cancer can take his body, but it cannot take his love or his laugh in my heart. He is truly a great man & I will forever be thankful that I was blessed with him most of my life.  I can try not to be sad, because I have enough memories to last the rest of my life.  This picture is of him & I last Nov. for his 86th birthday. I will cherish this picture forever. It’s the last one of him before he got really sick.  & I can’t help but laugh because this is his picture face!lol

Hello world!

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It’s 8:44 p.m. here in the country & I have a million things on my mind. Kids aren’t in bed yet, let alone ready for bed. They are using my laundry basket as a car to chase the dogs. At least they are getting along. I’m exhausted, physically &  emotionally. Hello World & Good Night World. I will see you tomorrow when I am wide awake & the sun is shining. Until then, let’s hope I can sleep tonight. I love my mornings too much to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.